You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
