she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
