We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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