The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
