I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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