I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
