So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
