You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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