Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
