she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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