Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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