Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
