He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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