You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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