I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
