God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
