I am spending my child support on dildos
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
