I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
