I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
