I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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