Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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