i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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