I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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