im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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