either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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