as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
