I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
