Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
