if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize