I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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