I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
