my vag is so smooth its legendary
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
