If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
