dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
