I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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