I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
