its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
