Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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