I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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