Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
