You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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