You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
