They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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