Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
