Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
How external is "for external use only"?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize