remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
