Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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