I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
