How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize