I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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