so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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