I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize