i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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