I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
