he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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