I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
