also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
