i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
