I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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