I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
