went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
