I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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