wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
