im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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