You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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