I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize