Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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