I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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