i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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