Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
