The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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