I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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