I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
