shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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